It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
