Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
