Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Sorry my hands just texted you
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
