Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
