i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
