We won't sleep together?
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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