I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
