i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
