i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I want a musical about memes.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
