Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
