can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
