so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
