I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
