i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
