Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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