Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
