Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
