please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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