I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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