Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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