I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
