I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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