A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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