so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
