I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
