Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
