If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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