its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
