dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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