I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my being single is dangerous.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
she told me i tasted like america
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
