One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You are the jesus of drinking
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
