I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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