Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The uberlube is also flammable
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
