Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I want to be your penis for a week.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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