I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
