Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
