I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
