I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
