I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
