If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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