She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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