broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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