i don't plan on having that self control this summer
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
