1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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