So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
