Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
