the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
