You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
