My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
