my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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