Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I will pee on everything he values.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
